When I talk about boundaries with clients who struggle with people-pleasers or perfectionism, I can see their faces scrunch up. They feel uncomfortable because somewhere, they were taught that there are limits to being needy versus needy. As a recovering perfectionist, I get it.
But this thinking is far from the truth! Without boundaries, you lose your voice and your inability to satisfy your needs. It is essential to approach dates with a clear mind and a strong sense of self. This means understanding what you need and require to make you happy in a relationship, as well as setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
Remember that healthy boundaries are a two-way street—not only do you need to communicate yours, but you also need to hear and respect your date’s boundaries.
Having healthy boundaries in the early stages of dating can make the experience more rewarding. So, take a deep breath, and let’s talk about the four steps to help you create better boundaries.
1. Know your boundaries, aka non-negotiables:
In my conscious dating programs, we develop a list of clear non-negotiables in a relationship.
Typically, customers arrive with 10 to 15 of them. If you find yourself with only 3 or 100, there may be a big problem. You may not be clear about what you really need to make you happy. The danger is that you will have to filter more or you will be too picky and filter someone for the wrong reasons.
Before you start dating, it’s essential to identify your non-negotiables. What are you comfortable with, and what are your deal breakers? How do you want to be contacted during a conflict? What are your love languages and how do you want to be treated?
Knowing your boundaries is the first step to asking the right questions and letting you know if someone is overstepping your boundaries or vice versa.
Sometimes it’s hard to understand if something is non-negotiable. I share how to decipher the two in this video (article continues below).
2. Communicate your boundaries:
Once you’ve identified your limitations, you can communicate with them and collaborate on a win/win solution. It is essential not to assume that the person who crossed a line knew that they had done something wrong. We are all born and raised with different values and family systems.
Avoid assuming and coming from a more curious mind that your date has unknowingly hurt your feelings. It is essential to communicate when someone unknowingly crosses a line.
Share how their actions and behaviors affected you. Focus on what you want and collaborate together on what solutions will make you both happy. Relationships are a team effort, so both of you must be included in deciding how to move forward.
Clear communication is the key to setting healthy boundaries and respecting them. Be honest and upfront about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Communication is also key in understanding your partner’s boundaries and respecting them.
If you’ve never set boundaries before, it can feel challenging. I role play with many of my clients so they can get used to communicating their needs in a safe space. I highly recommend you find someone you trust to practice with before trying to communicate your boundaries.
3. Stick to your boundaries:
Setting boundaries is only half the battle; Sticking to them is just as important. All too often I have clients who are very clear about their boundaries, but they end up abandoning themselves and negotiating their non-negotiables. If you find yourself in this situation I want you to know that you are not alone.
It’s hard to develop habits on your own and it’s hard to see your blind spots until it’s too late. If your partner is crossing a line, it is essential to communicate that line has been crossed and why it is important to you immediately.
Don’t want to think that I’m too much, that I’m too needy, or that I have to make them happy to be loved. In reality, if someone is unable to meet your need or requirements in a relationship, they will let you know that they are not right for you.
Avoid compromising your boundaries to keep your date happy. Boundaries are there to protect you, and you deserve to be respected.
4. Identifying red flags:
Sometimes, our date may not respect our boundaries or dismiss them as unimportant. Pay attention to how a person handles your needs. Expressing your needs is hard enough, but having someone dismiss your request and ignore it is even more painful.
How someone handles a conversation is critical to whether they belong in your life. If they threaten, belittle or make you feel small for expressing yourself… that’s a clear red flag that they don’t belong in your life.
It is essential to recognize these red flags and assess whether the relationship is healthy and worth continuing. Maybe it’s time to move on if a person doesn’t respect your boundaries all the time. Find people who create an emotionally safe space for you.
Setting healthy boundaries and respect are essential in any relationship. If you struggle with respecting your boundaries, then the Path to Love program is perfect for you. Remember that boundaries are there to protect you and that you deserve respect. By sticking to our boundaries, we can create a dating experience where we feel safe and valued.