I usually go with the positive. But there are some destructive things you can do on dates—and we’re all here for a second date, yes? So, let’s eliminate these behaviors and go on fun and successful dates.
Michael* (my client) went on an amazing lunch date this past Monday with Layla—it lasted 2.5 hours and he told me they both laughed so hard and just clicked. He happily paid for the date. She didn’t follow and thanked him. She didn’t respond to his text the next day saying how much he enjoyed the date and invited her to dinner on Friday.
Instead, she waited until Sunday — that’s 6 days. If it was one of your best friends, you’d think how rude, right? Well, sad ending. By the time she texted him back, he had thanked her and said he had met someone the night before and would get back to her. She responded with an invitation to the show. He refused.
Do you think Michael will ever return to her? The answer is no. Here’s what Michael told me: “I’m confused. We had fun. She waited almost a week for a follow-up. She’s screwed. Do you think that’s rude?”.
witness (Especially since he asked her out on another date for Friday). Now, if there was a reason for a late response (family emergency, last minute travel), she still should have texted in time to tell him that.
Layla lost to a good man here.
So here we go on to the toxic dating behavior:
1. Three days rule
So let’s lose it. There is no 3 day rule. Pretend it’s in screaming hats. There is no 3 day rule to contact someone. Online dating moves fast.
2. Playing games/hard to get game
Absolutely no one wants a game player or mind games. Be sincere, honest, politely direct and have good manners.
3. Time limits in your head
Gee, if you read internet ramblings, you might think time limits are real. For example, after 6 dates, we are exclusive. No. This varies in every single dating/relationship — you are not in an exclusive relationship until it is discussed or happens naturally. Based on my 25 years as a dating coach, I’d say it’s 50-50. 50% of it happens naturally in any given time frame; The other 50% occurs in more proactive discussion.
4. Men have to make the first move
Oh, I feel for you! Why do they have to do all the work? My last engagement (Trina and Tim), Trina reached out to every single man on two dating sites/apps first. Tim told her that was one of the reasons he liked her right away—-she texted him and asked him to meet for coffee on the first date. And they did.
5. Talking about important things on the first date—-why?
Ok, back down the internet rabbit hole. The toxic problem here is why would you jump into deep water — like what happened in past relationships, that you would like to get married, that you hate online dating? no no no!
First date topic, first meeting: interests, where you grew up, movies, music, maybe a little about the family (not too much about the children/grandchildren), favorite restaurants and travel routes. Yes, there is a school of thought (guaranteed to ruin 95% of first dates) to be direct about what you want. “What are you looking for — I’m looking for a serious long-term relationship.” Again, these statements/questions generally do not lead to a second date.
6. Men have to pay for a first date
Okay, here we go again. Now, what I tend to see is very regional about this. For example, men in Texas, the Midwest, and the South tend to insist on paying. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer! In other parts of the country I do see a lot more splitting of the bill—unless it’s coffee.
My client Max told me yesterday that last month he spent almost $600 on first dates — yes, he takes his dates to nice restaurants for lunch. Now, he wasn’t even complaining – he was just stating the reality of dating in Atlanta.
7. Stay until the end of the date
Time is precious. I agree. But if a first date is for coffee or an hour’s lunch, you’ve committed to that time, right? So, yes, it sucks to leave after 15 minutes. I’m trying to think what could be so bad — the only behavior I can think of is a woman who went on a date last month and the man told sexist and racist jokes.
Fortunately, this is the only time this has happened to me in recent years. We’ve gotten pretty good at projecting dates through advance notices, thank goodness!
Ugh, the word toxic (a word I rarely if ever use) slipped my mind.
Happy dating and enjoy!
Andrea
Text me at 702-494-7344 for a free 15 minute chat to see if I can help!
Dating coach/dating consultant
https://www.33000Dates.com
*The names of my clients always change.