09 September Why do boys never want a relationship with me?
Have you been through a series of “almost” relationships? It often goes something like this; You meet a cute guy, he seems interested, you enjoy spending time together and connecting. Then suddenly he starts to walk away, blowing hot and cold and then finally when he confronts about it he says something like, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
You keep thinking, “What happened? Why do guys never want a relationship with me?”
There are several reasons why guys may not want a relationship with you, which we will detail here:
You’re just not their “match”, in terms of personality
Dating is a numbers game and sometimes it’s just pure luck when someone meets the right person. Unfortunately, you may have met a host of guys you would not really suit them personally.
He may think you’re a great woman, just not right for him. While men are very visual (sometimes much more so than women), when it comes to finding a long-term partner, they are usually very good at being rational. Men know they are looking for someone they feel they will fit in with in the long run.
As women we often fall completely on a guy based on the look or the “potential” of what a guy can be. Once we have slept with them, all of these hormones are released that cause us to bond with the guy, even if his personality or circumstances may be less desirable. Women are much more likely to ignore certain aspects of a man’s character because they are attached and focused on the idea of having a relationship.
They do not find you physically attractive enough
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so that what one man finds attractive may not be the same for another. Still, men tend to be very visual and loving in the eyes. They often have specific physical traits that they are looking for in a long-term partner, but they will happily sleep with a variety of different women for the experience. For example, they may have a preference for small brunettes and always imagine marrying a brunette, but they will sleep with a tall blonde if she is available and attractive enough.
So maybe it’s not that you’re not attractive, just that you’re not really their normal type.
On the other hand, you may be going for guys who are a bit out of your league. Where I live in New York there are more single women than men. So if a guy happens to be successful and really looks good, you can bet he has a lot of attractive women who are interested in him. He may be chasing the most attractive, while keeping the others around for sex or someone to hang out with in the meantime.
In general, if a guy is 9 in the mirror department, he will probably look for a 9 or 10 in a woman. If the woman is 9 or 10 and happens to have high maintenance or has some annoying personal traits, she may drop to 7 or 8 but he will come to terms with much more than her because she is really, really hot.
I know this because one of my handsome friends, let’s call him Tim, went out with a very attractive girl who broke up with him. He became desperate to win her back. When I asked him what he liked about her, he could not really think of many nice things to say about her personality, but he said she was just “so attractive” hence why he wanted her more than all the girlfriends he had ever dated.
If you’re 7 years old and happen to have some not so great personality traits, then you fall even lower to 5 or 6. At this point, they end it with you because there just is not enough name for the guy to want a relationship with you.
You choose the wrong guys
There are guys who just do not want a relationship with anyone. Unfortunately, most of the time these guys know they do not want a relationship from the beginning, but they do not tell are you This fact. They chase after you, get interested, even take you to dinner, but they only do it to have sex and then once they realize you want a relationship, they act distant and bounce.
Why are they doing this? Because if you were told they only wanted sex in advance, the girl would probably not agree to it and he would not get any sex.
Not all guys are like that. I have one friend who tells women up front that he does not want a relationship. Unfortunately, they often continue to see him hoping he wants a relationship.
If he says he does not want to, believe him.
Take some time to evaluate the type of guys you choose. Do you find yourself going out with guys who are too young? Maybe they are not financially secure or they are not where they would like to be in their career? Maybe they’re the kind of guys who are surrounded by single friends and they do not know someone married or in a committed relationship? Or maybe you always choose guys who like to celebrate?
If you can see a pattern, try to pick guys who might be ready for a relationship. Look at their family values and the people they hang out with. See if they have shown signs of commitment in the past. Do they have a dog? Do they have a home or are they saving for one? Try to look for signs of stability.
You are not asking the right questions
Do not be afraid to ask questions when you go out on dates. It does not have to be an investigation but you can ask the guy what he is looking for. If they say they are looking for a relationship or they were open to a relationship if they met the right person then you are on the right path. However, if they say they are not looking for something serious or they just want “fun” then you should not waste any more time on them.
Too often women are afraid to ask questions for fear of looking too prying or desperate to have a relationship. They assume the guy must be looking for a relationship if he chased after them or asked them out on a date.
The truth is, you can never really make assumptions about someone else’s feelings. Just because he looks flirtatious and connects with you does not mean he wants anything more than just sex.
It is okay to ask subtle questions at the beginning of getting to know someone. This way you can easily dispose of your waste of time and find someone who is looking for the same thing as you.
You have sex too easily
So the old saying goes, why would he buy the cow if he could get the milk for free? If you are sleeping with a guy and he gets all the benefits of sex without committing, then he can just continue the same way. If you’re been hooked for a while and you feel you need to have the “couple talk”, do not shy away from it for too long. If you realize he’s just looking for a connection or you’m just not sure where it’s leading, tell him how you feel.
Try to manage this conversation in person if you can. If he says he does not want a relationship, it’s your hint to leave. Do not continue to give him the benefits if he is not willing to make you his girlfriend. Sometimes a guy has to lose you to figure out what he is willing to do to keep you.
You have to work on yourself
Do you find that when you get a friend, you change immediately? Are you connecting too much and starting to make them the center of your universe? Do you neglect your friendships and hobbies? If so, it might be a good idea to examine your attachment style and try to work on your balance when it comes to friendships and relationships. Working with a good psychologist can help you deal with any attachment problems you have.
You may have an anxious and insecure attachment style. If you find yourself constantly looking for signs that the guy you are dating is losing interest, this may be a sign of a troubled Travada call.
Try to look at your life. Are you the type of person you would like to date? Do you have some financial stability? Do you have your own interests and hobbies? Do you have negative traits that can affect your relationships, like control, lawsuits or jealousy?
It is important to be aware of yourself and be aware of your shortcomings so that you can work on them and bring your best self to the table. Think about what your exes said about you. Think about the reasons these guys give not wanting a relationship with you.
There is someone there for everyone. Either you are working on changing these traits, or you are choosing someone who accepts you as you are. For example, if you are naturally messy, it may be better to find a guy who does not care to have a messy house.
You have a problem communicating and being yourself
Sometimes when women get a boyfriend or start seeing someone new, they start to worry about the guy starting to walk away or find a reason to end things. It’s an understandable fear if you’ve been dumped many times before.
The problem with coming from a place of fear is that you can start trying to distort yourself into the person you are to think Your boyfriend wants to. If you’re trying to hold a guy, it’s easy to start pleasing people and not talking. You hold everything for fear of shaking the boat and causing a breakup. You do not call them for their behavior and you let them run away with almost everything. You do not enforce your boundaries and you struggle in the media about the things that upset you.
These things can actually sometimes hurt your relationship. Instead of communicating openly and honestly (calmly), you bottle things up, which makes you move away more than bring the two of you closer together. Men want to feel that they can open up to their society about their fears. They want to feel safe. Also, they want you to open up too.
In contrast, there are women who do the opposite and start acting. They look for signs that their friend is not committed and begin to analyze his behavior, trying to find hidden meanings in the things they do or say. They constantly point out things their boyfriend is doing wrong or ask where the relationship is headed, which in turn, causes the boyfriend to back down, for fear of “drama”. Things like demands, ultimatums and pressure to move in together can soon take a toll on the relationship.
The best thing you can do is learn to communicate effectively. Remember to start sentences with “I feel”. For example, instead of saying “you never have time for me”, you could say something like, “I feel like we do not spend as much time together as we used to and I’m just wondering if things are okay.” Try to say calmly and do not make accusations or say harsh things about your boyfriend that you will regret later.
The Bottom Line
Do not give up hope. Just because you have not yet met the right guy does not mean you will not find one. Take your time to really assess compatibility before you rush into a relationship. Ask lots of questions, observe the person’s behavior and ask yourself, “Would I want to be that person’s friend if sex was not there?” At the end of the day, being stuck in a bad relationship is much worse than being single.